Safety Dance

This one goes out… to all the fellas…

I started writing this blog post a long time ago but didn’t quite find the right words to finish it and then the moment passed. But the current outpouring on social media following the disappearance and suspected murder of Sarah Everard, coupled with learning today that a female friend of mine is currently missing made me realise that the moment has never passed. And in fact, I can’t remember when it began.

It’s built in. The fear. The knowledge that you are of the “weaker” sex and that you can be over-powered by A Man at any time.

It’s learned when young. Stranger danger. Flashers in the park. The angry outburst of a Father. The day your Brother becomes big enough to fight back and the rough and tumble play no longer ends with you victorious.

It’s taught through shared stories of near misses and top tips for staying safe after dark.

Don’t walk alone > don’t go out at night > don’t wear headphones or listen to music when walking alone > make sure someone knows when you left, where you’re going and when to expect you to arrive > don’t wear your hair in a ponytail > wear complicated clothing that’s off-putting to a potential attacker > take the long, well lit way round > don’t get in a minicab > don’t lean into car windows to speak to someone > hold your keys in between your fingers > listen for footsteps > don’t go through the park > cross the street > step into a shop > turn a corner and run.

It’s inherent. I don’t remember learning it, but we all know. The majority of women have simply had to accept that there is almost always the threat of attack when we’re out and about. It’s just part of our existence. The thoughts live within us constantly, taking up space in our mental load as we assess our surroundings, our route, how we are walking, who is near us, where our bag is when walking by ourselves, particularly at night. We almost do it imperceptibly. It’s almost unconscious, like when you’re on a long drive and you suddenly realise you’ve been making all the right motions but haven’t been thinking about exactly what you’re doing.

It’s inherent because we all have our stories. Every. Single. One of Us. You can ask any woman you know and they will be able to tell you about an incident in which they felt unsafe in the presence of A Man.

I’ve been flashed.

I’ve been followed.

I’ve had cars pull up alongside me.

A Man doesn’t have to think about any of these things. I’ve just had this very conversation with my boyfriend and it’s not the first time I’ve had this conversation with A Man. It continues to shock me how surprised they are to learn that this is the way it is for women. A Man would never think twice about going for a run after dark or walking home from a night out whilst listening to music in their headphones. A Man wouldn’t text his mates as soon as he got in to report that he’d got home safe and make sure they had too.

It’s the women who are at risk but the “solution” is pushed onto women to protect themselves, when the default situation should be that everyone is able to live their life without worrying about being attacked.

The other thing many of the men find shocking is that they probably know some of these men. The random incidents are common, but the awful fact is that most women unlucky enough to experience sexual assault, know their attacker. Certainly, in my experience, it’s been when I was in a situation where I believed myself to be safe where I actually became the most vulnerable. As a teenager, whilst making the 5 minute walk from my local late-night boozer to my parents’ house at some ungodly hour, I stopped to talk to A Man I knew. He was a bouncer at my local nightclub. I saw him at least once a week. He was friendly. He knew my friends. He pulled up on his motorbike and I drunkenly stopped for a quick chat and he tried to grab me, kiss me and grope me. I managed to push him off and I ran and I never told anyone because everyone liked him and I wanted to keep being allowed into that nightclub.

I am thankful that the really seriously scary moments have been few and far between but it’s important to highlight how every day an occurrence it is for women to feel threatened.

A couple of years back, during one of London’s snowstorms, I was trying to get back home late one night (alone, having separated from a friend at London Bridge station as we needed to get different trains). The train schedule had been abandoned and the only information for departures was coming through the tannoy. A Man, about my age, taller than me, fairly ‘normal’ looking, approached me and asked me what the latest announcement had said. I explained the next couple of trains that were due to arrive at the platform we were on and he asked me where I was trying to get back to. I told him my destination and he said ‘me too’. We chatted for a bit about the snow as I messaged my boyfriend to say I was just jumping on a train home and messaged my friend to tell her my train was arriving.

I got on the train, which was almost entirely empty, and sat in a 4 seat berth. The man came and sat opposite me, in the same berth. It was at this point that I realised I had told him where I was getting off before he told me where he was going and that I had potentially put myself in a dangerous situation.

I continued to stare at my phone, messaging my boyfriend to tell him I was actually on the train and to expect me in a few minutes, whilst working out that it was probably a bad idea for me to walk my normal way home after getting off the train (down a side street and through the dark and usually deserted car park and up the stairs next to our flat) and that I would walk the main road, round the long way and call my boyfriend on the way (there wasn’t time to get him to meet me at the station and I didn’t want to have to wait at the station when I got off), whilst also trying to memorise what the man looked like and what he was wearing, in case I needed to give a description at some point.

I didn’t engage in any more conversation with the man. When we got to our station he got up a lot earlier than I did and strode purposefully straight off the train and out the station, turning the opposite way to me. Perhaps he sensed I was freaked out. Perhaps he just wanted to go home. I walked back safely without incident.

In fairness to that dude, he probably just wanted to chat but just having a chat with a girl on a train can be so different from A Man’s perspective than from a woman’s. And that makes me cross. I should be able to have a conversation with a stranger without having to consider that he might be about to abduct, rape or murder me.

It’s not limited to night-time either. Following the reports of the disappearance of Sarah Everard, women were urged to stay inside and not go out alone or after dark. But I’ve been called over to in the street in broad daylight by A Man in a car, asking for directions. I didn’t know the name of the street he said so I shouted ‘Sorry, I don’t know’ from across the road and tried to continue on my way. He called out again and beckoned me to come closer. I moved to a few feet away from the car window and he beckoned to me to come closer again, intimating that he wanted me to look at something on his phone. I repeated ‘I don’t know where that is’ and walked away. He started to follow me in the car whilst shouting ‘it’s OK, come here’ as I quickened my pace and tried to decide whether it would be safer to go straight to my front door and get inside or if I should try to avoid showing him where I lived. He drove off.

To all my men reading this, can you imagine a situation where this was reversed and you lot were told to stay home for fear of endangering yourselves? I doubt it, because it would be thought of as absurd. The conversation should not be about how we, the women, can keep ourselves away from danger. The conversation should be how we can stop men from being a danger to women. I’m sorry lads, but it’s not us that’s the problem here. Once again, for those that weren’t quite listening: the responsibility shouldn’t fall to us to keep ourselves safe, we should just BE SAFE.

Ultimately there are two different issues involved here, but one quite clearly stems from the other. The first, big obvious one is the threat of sexual violence directed at women – the extreme cases of assault by strangers or otherwise. And the second is the general, every day, unacceptable way in which (a lot of) women are treated by (a lot but not all) men. The #metoo initiative and the current uproar has brought this issue into the consciousness of a lot of men, who have previously simply accepted that life is a certain way and have not read much into the odd touch, comment, pet name or whatever directed at women and who now find themselves questioning whether they have been part of the problem, or in fact, whether there is a problem.

#Notallmen appears to be trending on Twitter again, as I write this, so it appears that not all Men have realised that this chatter isn’t an attack on them but on a society that normalises an attitude towards women that literally puts them in danger. You may not be a rapist, or a flasher or thinking about abducting that woman on the other side of the street but every time you let a shitty comment from one of your mates or an inappropriate “joke” from one of your colleagues slide, you perpetuate the belief that women are less, the culture persists and the ones that are rapists, flashers and abductors feel able to justify their impulses. And you know them. They are within your circle, as hard as that is to accept. A long time ago, I was lured away from a social situation by a ‘friend’ who recognised that I was exceptionally drunk and tried to take advantage. You do know them.

So please, be an ally; read the advice and listen to your females because every time you respond with ‘not all men’, you essentially try to make the conversation about you. SHUT UP, THE WOMEN ARE SPEAKING NOW.