Wasn’t Expecting That

My anxiety levels are through the roof at the moment. It was to be expected that as things start to return to pre-pandemic levels of normal, as we emerge from flexi-furlough into fulltime workloads and our social calendars start to repopulate themselves that we might find things a little overwhelming… but I didn’t expect this.

I expected to feel anxious about the virus. I think, like a lot of people, I’ve bounced back and forth between being very cautious and just wanting to get on with life. Certainly in central London there has been a marked change in the past couple of weeks and I’ve seen a huge drop in the number of people wearing masks, as we get used to moving amongst each other again.

So many people have already caught it. We seemed to go from stories of friends of friends to it tickling its way through several people in the office in the space of a few weeks. Everyone is fine, I know a lot aren’t so lucky. But the vaccination roll out, particularly for my age group and location, seems to be doing its job. And we’re testing. In the live events industry we’re taking everyone’s safety seriously and we’re testing to ensure we can keep the shows on the road.

Perhaps this breeds a level of complacency but also it brings a welcome sense of relief as we start to capture moments where we don’t need to think about covid. It doesn’t need to take centre stage because we’ve all done as much as we can to keep each other safe, so we can just do our jobs, enjoy our friends and family and be normal.

I expected that I would feel nervous around crowds, busy roads, lots of noise, all things that have been minimised for the past 18 months and are now back. And they didn’t come back slowly and gradually as we imagined they would: one day London was silent and the next full of sirens, beeping horns and people swearing at each other. Seemingly we have learned nothing and are in even more of a hurry than before.

I prepared myself for a panicked reaction on walking back into a busy arena or festival. I planned for what to do if the fight or flight instinct said fly. In reality, it all felt reassuringly normal. Walking across a field with a beer in my hand and a band in front of me didn’t feel alarming or overwhelming at all. Again, we’ve done the work. The events I’ve chosen to go to are asking people to get vaccinated, get tested and then come and have a good time. I realise this is not an option for everyone, and realistically not everyone will be kind enough to play by the rules, but it’s enough to settle the senses.

I expected to feel overwhelmed with excitement at getting back to work. I thought the workload would increase gently but it felt like we went from 0 to 100 in the space of a week. I have been lucky enough to hold onto my job and, most excellently, my colleagues too but I haven’t been doing my actual role for the majority of the pandemic. We’ve all pitched in wherever was needed and this meant that while I was able to work throughout, it often wasn’t doing my actual job and was at a much reduced level than before, only focussing on one thing at a time.

My brain, it appears, has developed a pandemic podge all of its own. It no longer relishes carrying multiple projects in it at once and switching between them constantly. It does not like being used for extended periods of time. It tires easy and needs to have a rest after a few hours of prolonged concentration. It’s sluggish and also terrified of getting something wrong and messing things up for everyone else.

Almost as if it’s revolting against the increase in usage, my brain seems to be trying to undermine me, perhaps hoping that I’ll revert back to being a sofa dwelling shut-in and it can spend the rest of its days quietly watching the telly. Pre-pandemic I was one of those people that said things like ‘I don’t really watch TV – I never have time’. I had a couple of series that I would watch in a binge during a quiet moment and if there was a rare evening off, I would turn myself to mush in front of a shitty film but the list of Big TV that I hadn’t seen was vast. NOW I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING. I’m all caught up. My brain, however, has clearly decided that life with its feet up is much easier than whizzing around being interesting and good at my job and it’s tackling this problem by trying to convince me that I’m neither interesting nor good at my job.

This is not really a new thing. When people talk about low self-esteem it kind of baffles me because I never had any to begin with. We’re not friends, me and self-esteem. She doesn’t want to be my mate. The little voice inside my head rarely says anything nice, preferring to point out any chance I might have to fail and throw a party at my every indiscretion so that I might never, ever forget them. I don’t know how to change it and I can’t imagine what it’s like in anyone’s head that doesn’t have a constant running commentary of criticism. Is it just… quiet? Is there a mini-motivational speaker in there, pumping out good vibes? Is there a triumphant theme tune just on repeat?

Anyway, this is just Zan’s brain being Zan’s brain, what I didn’t expect was an additional level of anxiety over things I would never have worried about pre-pandemic. Last week I found myself over-analysing my journeys around the city. Checking and checking and checking again to make sure I knew exactly where I was going, what bus, what tube, what direction to walk in and that I still had enough time to arrive not on time, but well early.

I found myself persistently checking the whereabouts of my wallet and my phone in case I’d misplaced them or left them somewhere or dropped them without noticing. One thing that’s a constant about me is that I do not lose things. I have never lost my phone. I have only ever lost one bank card in 25 years of owning bank cards. I always know where everything is, even stuff that’s not mine. It’s a super-skill really. I’m the rain man of knowing where other people left things. I cannot get to grips with being someone who is internally freaking out about where their shit is. This stuff would not even have crossed my mind pre-pandemic because it didn’t require thinking about. No effort needed here: phone is in my bag/pocket/hand, let’s go.

I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this and I hope it’s not permanent. Perhaps it’s a reaction to feeling out of control for so long. Perhaps it’s a consequence of suddenly having my head filled with a busy to do list and lots of things to remember. Perhaps I’ve just reached that age in life where the little things become super serious but I suspect (hope!) it will all balance out again.

I took a big step this week in terms of looking after myself and I, very honestly, bowed out of some commitments to relieve the pressure. I am a notoriously busy person, or at least, I was a notoriously busy person. I’m a sociable person with a busy work life and I used to be in a busy band on top of all that but at the moment, I am acutely aware that I cannot cope with more than one social engagement during the week and one at the weekend. I cannot focus on work if I’m tired from anything else and I cannot focus on my friends and family if I am tired from work, so I am attempting to strike a balance.

It’s difficult sometimes to say these things but I am being very honest with friends and family when I try to explain if I can’t see them right now. I feel hugely guilty and also really disappointed because I want to see and do all the things. The flip side of taking things easy is that I don’t get to spend as much time with people that I love and that makes me sad. But this is the long game. If I have learned one thing from the freaky world of pandemic life it’s that I do not wish to hit burn out again. I do not want to push that hard. I do not want to miss everything and overshadow the joy because the effort it took to get there was exhausting.

Get a good night’s sleep. Take a walk. Breathe in. Breathe out. Let’s put one foot in front of the other and we’ll get through this together.